


wine stains and bleach

by orphan_account



Category: Girl Meets World
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-03
Updated: 2016-03-03
Packaged: 2018-05-24 10:36:29
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,564
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6150821
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>She balls her fists, and remembers the near miss of a kiss he gave her. Almost, so close that it could almost be enough. Almost, like it counts.</p><p>But it's not enough-and it would never count.</p>
            </blockquote>





	wine stains and bleach

**Author's Note:**

> Based on graphics by smokenlucaya and seeliefaeries on tumblr. When I figure out how to link them, I will do so

 The way it starts-well it’s almost romantic but really it’s an overused cliché that makes her want to shove forks in her eyes. 

    See the way it starts one could say it starts on a subway, with a cute boy and a happy friend and a throwaway line, a forgettable gag that will make a good story for one day in the distance, where there’s wine and laughing about how daring and fearless she is when she’s twelve.  That’s almost right.

   See you could also make the argument that this starts with a little girl trying to avoid the noise, and an open window where a little girl sat singing and laughing. Fearless and unaware of the dangers that could happen with climbing up a fire escape.  The friendship forged and the promises made.

   Both of those are good beginnings, but really it’s not true. That’s not how it begins-no because Maya knows the beginning because that was the first day she balled her hands into tight fists, nails digging into skin as Missy flirts with Lucas. Maya knows this the day everything changes, and no one else is aware.

  And it’s okay because they’re twelve, and Riley thinks of Lucas like a celebrity and its okay because it’s a crush and it’s harmless and give her a month and everything will be okay.

  Only that’s not how it goes, because Billy-Billy who was a bit of an asshole, but a nice enough guy for some laughs is making Farkle his newest target.  And she’s going to break his knees or his neck or something else. No one gets to hurt her friends-no one gets to hurt anyone who is important to her. Not again, never again, not when she’s older enough to have a voice or fists that can hurt.

   Only, only he picks her up like she’s nothing and stops her. He stops her from hurting her, says she’s better than that. And Maya thinks, _Oh cowboy you shouldn’t think I’m better than that._ See Lucas is good, like Riley is good. They’re cut from the same cloth, the type she would love to wear as a blanket.  A cloth that is optimistic and believes in good and happy and never has anyone leave them. A cloth that is not good being around someone like her-she’s like bleach, or a wine stain. Something  that ruins fabric and nothing is every the same, even when the stain has faded.

    And maybe Lucas thinks that talking things out works, being a better man, taking the high road is the way to stop the words but fists and bruises make a lasting impression and she’s about to punch Billy in the gym when he gets there first.

   There’s anger in his eyes, and she’s worried and on his back like a spider monkey because maybe he won’t punch Billy if he has to balance her. Because Riley is there, and Riley doesn’t need to know about this anger that simmers under the surface.

    This is when she sees it, and it becomes even more horribly cliché. The light in his blue eyes refract differently, like there’s something darker that he’s trying to keep in check. He’s angry, and his anger reminds Maya of her own. But it feels like it goes deeper.

    She tries after that day to come up with ways to start the conversation. Something that makes a common ground forged between them because they have Farkle and Riley and she kinda sorta wants something that’s just _them_. It’s really stupid because how the hell do you start a conversation like that? _Hey you have anger issues and I’m really angry all the time but no one seems to notice. We should go get smoothies?_

 Yeah, right.

   In the end it doesn’t matter because he rides a freaking horse with Riley and it hits Maya. It really fucking hits her.  Lucas likes Riley just the same way Riley likes Lucas and well there you go. There you go.

    She didn’t forget that Riley liked Lucas. She never did-Riley’s very vocal but somewhat shy-it’s an odd combination, that is distinctly Riley so Maya doesn’t bother explaining. But she never knew that Lucas liked Riley the same way. But he does and oh wow.

  There are scars on her palms, little crescent moons from her nails digging in every time she wants to say something, every time she wants to reach him and he’s not even in reach.  And he never really gave her anything (a flower in his hat at the school dance, backup on a harmonica when she sang. Something in stomach that feels like she’s always missing a step-that jolt when she catches herself before she falls.) but she still thought-she still thought…

It doesn’t matter.

   It doesn’t matter at all because she loves Riley and Lucas is just a boy, and they’re in seventh grade, and Josh is here and he’s older and he tells her she’s pretty and that’s good enough.

  Only Riley kisses Lucas on the subway and she tries not to look because Riley likes-likes Lucas, and Lucas is just a boy and she’s here with Farkle (they both know nothing would ever happen between them.)  And Josh is here.

   And Josh is getting rejected and oh…it stings a bit, and it feels like ice on a sunburn the way Josh looks because Maya knows how it feels. And yes, she knows he’s too old but she’s twelve and he’s seventeen and it’s just a subway ride where they’re both a bit broken-hearted.

(Josh forgets that girl within a few months, Maya never does.)

* * *

 

    Eighth grade feels like one of the rides at Coney Island, the one where the outside spins so fast and you stuck to the walls by the g-force. It hurts her head and she always feels too sick after going on it, but she’s never going to say no to a ride even if there are some assholes who can do flips against the felt walls.

     Riley and Lucas don’t talk all summer-Lucas goes back to Texas and summer is spent on the fire escape with popsicles and people watching. It’s the best type of summer, one that makes her forget Lucas and the subway and the kiss that Riley won’t talk about completely. But then the first day of school happens, and it’s very hard to forget.

   She’s made her resolve that her crush (because that is what this is- a crush.) will never see the light of day, and she’s okay with being just friends with Lucas. Because friends is all he’s offering and that’s enough for her. It has to be.

   Riley and Lucas break up and become just friends, but they’re _just_ friends and it’s a ticking time bomb and Maya is preparing herself for the eventual coupledom and she sometimes practise speeches when she’s in bed staring up at the cracks in the ceiling that she’s happy for Riley and Lucas. She practices her maid of honour speech at their wedding, imagines what their incredibly tall children will be like. How Auntie Maya will feel.

   She’s okay with this.

   But then Texas comes to New York and she can see cracks in whatever persona of Lucas that Riley sees. Zay is nice, a fast talker with a quick wit and she likes him. She tells Zay one day, while they’re lying on their backs on their desks in detention that she sees a long and beautiful friendship in front of them.

Zay snorts, and tells her not to fall in love with him, blondie.

They laugh and laugh like it’s the funniest thing in the world and neither of them mention that she’s already fallen for someone else.

And then New York comes to Texas and everything is shit.

   Complete and utter shit because Maya is so damn good at hiding only it doesn’t look like that because Riley tells Lucas Maya likes him and there’s the fallout and she doesn’t know what to do or what to say. So she doesn’t and he attacks, angry and persistent. He’s backed her in a corner, and she’s never seen Lucas like this before and it’s almost really attractive but also really annoying and oh shit fuck balls fuck shit.

  He doesn’t kiss her, he doesn’t. He doesn’t kiss her but she wants him to. She wants him to so badly and she thinks he wants to kiss her too.

The words spill out _of course I like you_ and they’re there, they’re real and no one can get them back.  

Riley.

   It’s not a competition, it was never a competition. See this is when it’s not a cliché, and her life doesn’t use sitcom plotlines. See Riley is the person who Lucas likes, and she’s there. And if this was a competition- well she was never going to win anyway.  So she laughs everything off, she smiles brightly and lets go of a half-baked dream of something she can’t name, because she’s thirteen and Lucas is just a boy and Riley is her best friend.

  And it doesn’t matter if she was there first, because it turns out Lucas was never a throwaway gag, a cute boy who would make an interesting story one day.  It turns out in the story of Riley and Lucas, she’s the throwaway gag.


End file.
